Jokes I wrote today

It’s #NationalBirdFeedingMonth: put out some breadcrumbs, grab those binoculars, and see if your hot neighbor is changing by the window. It’s #NationalBirdFeedingMonth. This is a real thing, and in no way a money-making scheme cooked up by “Big Breadcrumb”.

It’s #NationalBirdFeedingMonth. Feed all of your feathered friends! Except pigeons, who we all hate. Because everyone is bird-racist.

It’s #NationalBirdFeedingMonth. Brought to you by Old Widow Breadcrumbs: “because he’s not coming back, but birds will if you feed them”.

It’s #NationalCannedFoodMonth. How to celebrate: 1) Find that one can of weird food in the cupboard. 2) Think about eating it. 3) Put it back.

It’s #NationalGrapefruitMonth. Some people think the Pomelo is a grapefruit. They’re worse than Hitler.

It’s #GreatAmericanPieMonth. Here are some of the many ways to celebrate: 1) Eat a pie. 2) See step 1.

February 11th

It’s Thomas Edison’s birthday. Fun fact: he hated candles on his birthday cakes, and insisted they be wired to carry light-bulbs.

It’s #NationalMakeAFriendDay. Go out an make a new pal. But don’t tell them why you’re doing it. You’ll sound very weird.

February 12th

It’s Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. Celebrate the freedom he cherished by doing whatever you want today. Maybe not the theater, though.

It’s Charles Darwin’s birthday! Every year we celebrate in almost the same way, but with small changes to slowly make it better over time.