Come see me and Janeane Garofalo

Me and Janeane Garofalo are on this show tonight. Sparks have flown between us (largely in one direction) since I fell in love with Vickie Miner in Reality Bites. Sparks kindled into flames for her portrayal of Paula on The Larry Sanders Show. Then an inferno erupted during her performance as Beth in Wet Hot American Summer. Come on down to Littlefield (littlefieldnyc.com), doors at 7.30 pm. Tickets are $8. I'm going to ask if she got my fan mail in 1995. Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 1.37.45 PM

Leaving the house

hateleaving I hate leaving the house. I hate leaving a lot of places, but leaving the house, I hate most of all.

I hate leaving so much that I will find things to do to stop me leaving. If I need to leave the house by 9am, at 8.59am, my brain will say, “you know, before you go you should really do… your taxes.”

The weird thing is: my anxious brain is RIGHT. I SHOULDN’T be leaving the house. The house has everything I need: couch, food, internet, bathroom… When you leave the house, half the time, you’re looking for one of those things. “Do you have a bathroom? Do you have WiFi? Do you have sandwiches” You don’t have those problems when you stay in your house. My house has sandwiches.

Outside your house is where most bad things happen. Car crashes, muggings, being nice to people you don’t like… they all may come to pass if you leave the house. The house is a pretty much reserved for people you DO like, because it has a great filter mechanism called “the front door”. It opens for friends, and stays shut at all other times.

As a kid, I fantasized that our house was like a spaceship, floating through the vacuum of space. It had perpetual life support systems – running water, power, heat etc. – but otherwise, we were adrift and alone in inky black emptiness. For some reason, this was a COMFORTING thought, not a terrifying one.

Even though I hate leaving the house, once I’m comfortable in a new place, I don’t want to leave there either. Sometimes I dawdle at work at the end of the day. I could leave at 6, but I end up leaving at 6.30. I’m not doing any work. I’m just wasting time on the internet. But for some reason, I don’t want to leave. Even though I’m allowed to go home to my house, which I also didn’t want to leave, just eight hours earlier.

I hate saying goodbye to people. I much prefer the so-called ‘Irish goodbye”, where you just leave without saying anything.

Why do I like that so much? Because I hate goodbyes.

I hate the “revealed truth” that happens during a goodbye. If it’s a close friend I see all the time, no problem. I will say goodbye. But if it’s someone I don’t see often, the “goodbye” quickly becomes enmeshed in the topic of “when you’re going to see each other again”. Well, if we don’t already have a good idea of “when” that is, it probably won’t be for a while. And to me, that’s a pretty stark indicator that… we aren’t really friends. We’re not NOT friends. But we’re not REAL friends.

I also hate that “when am I going to see you again?” question. What am I supposed to say to that? That’s not an offer to hang out. You’re asking ME to make a plan for us to hang out. You’re putting me on the spot and making me do all the work. And if I wanted to hang out with you, I WOULD have made a plan. So I probably don’t like you all that much.

To be continued.

Special People Ep. #03: John Anderson

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Actor and comedian (30 Rock) John Anderson is my friend and we talk about insults, commitment, and why coming second in a high school beauty pageant is so terrible.

[embed]http://traffic.libsyn.com/specialpeoplepodcast/Ep._03__John_Anderson.mp3[/embed]

Those geniuses at Apple

applewatch

The worst thing about owning a watch? Worrying about the battery dying once a year. Apple has FIXED that, by making it a DAILY concern.

Special People Episode 2: Ashley Bez

Screen Shot 2015-03-04 at 2.46.50 PMThe latest episode of Special People is out, and it's right here. The Giantess of Twitter @bez (Ashley Bez) stops by. She discusses her best friends Emily, Haley and Christy Coffey. Ashley is a fantastic person and she should be in your life. If not ACTUALLY, then definitely DIGITALLY. [embed]http://traffic.libsyn.com/specialpeoplepodcast/Special_People_02__Ashley_Bez.mp3[/embed]

 

 

Justin Bieber Roast

In a spitball meeting for Roast promos two months ago, I blurted out: "it might be funny if we remade the CK ad with Justin Bieber, but with Jeff Ross playing that hot girl." Then with their scary witch magic competence, Kathy Fusco Kahn, Brian Ziskind + team ran with it and did it, along with a bunch of other great spots (Google Bieber + Eggs or + Tattoo). What a trip. I can't believe this is my job, and that I get to work with people this good at their jobs.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsSbYPaMWWU

How do you behave at rock shows?

"So tell me again: what do I do with my hands?" - that's me at every concert. I just got back from seeing Sleater-Kinney, the wife's favorite band. A few observations: - The women’s bathroom line at a Sleater-Kinney show? Hottest thing ever: 50 angular cool girls who all hate me.

- The band still rocks

- That is all.

Come to Game Night

Game Night Poster #1 I'm hosting a new-old show tomorrow. Kyle Ayers and Will Winner invited me to co-produce the super successful "Game Night" and I'm humbled that they recognized my giant talent. We have a hell of a line-up: Ben Kronberg, Alexis Guerreros, Joel Kim Booster and Amber Nelson. If you're reading this, I would love you to come. We're going to have a lot of fun. Here's the Facebook link.

Bye, Jon

The greatest compliment to Jon Stewart isn't the dismay of his fans, or the sadness of his employer. It's the huge relief of venal politicians, who - though they would never admit it - will be glad to see the back of him.