Americans keep asking why my country revolted against rule from Europe. With zero irony.

Post-Brexit message

The U.K. has made a seismic choice to leave Europe. Let me reassure my fans: I will still be at the Hartford Funny Bone on July 21. #Brexit

R.I.P. Johan Cruyff

Can't believe Johan #Cruyff has died. I prefer to think he pretended to die, and sent the world media in entirely the wrong direction.

I hate astrology.

No one knows what "Mercury in retrograde" means. Go ahead: ask anyone who says it. They don't have one clue. And while we're at it, why the hell do we still talk about this shit anyway? Horoscopes are a medieval superstition, but they're still in newspapers. Why? No one turns to the sports page for witch burning results.