Don't talk to me before I have my meth.
New York needs a Statue of Responsibility.
That's not my idea. It's Viktor Frankl's.
This actually happened
The phrase "white privilege" sounds braggy.
My city
New York. A place that, wherever you're standing, someone else also wants to stand there.
An issue with improv
There's too much "YES AND"-ing. We need more "THAT'S ENOUGH"-ing.
Brain
My brain is a website and it has one troll and he's me.
My passive-aggressive car dashboard
https://twitter.com/ComedyCentral/status/661362156491956224
Breakfast
Coffee. Black. Three sugars, four ibuprofen.
Just in case
"Perhaps the public have forgotten about my wealth, prowess with women, or ability to deal drugs. I should remind them." - every rapper
Marriage
20% of marriage is criticizing how your partner does household tasks. You try to bend them to your will for decades. Then one of you dies.
I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees.
But if lying down is an option, I'll take it.
Modern behavior
Michigan and "the hand"
Michiganders use their hand as a map, because the state is hand-shaped. Do men from Florida do that? "Whereabouts in Florida, Bill?" (*ZIP*)
Kanye West, an American Boob
Here are two things I believe. 1) Kanye West is an incredibly talented and hard-working artist. 2) Kanye West is a fool and a boob. He is in very rare company here. There are few artists who combine such incredible talent with total obliviousness to the insanity of their own behavior. The only musician who matches it, in my memory, is Michael Jackson. But Jackson's derangement somehow only sparked my sympathy. Kanye's non-musical output fills me with nothing but disgust. I am not proud of that. Perhaps it demonstrates just how terrible West's public persona is. I would rather feel bad for a child molester than say anything good about Kanye West.
I originally wrote this on Facebook. And I got a lot of push-back. People were either denying Kanye's lack of self-awareness, or defending it as an important part of his artistic output. That push-back is why Kanye - and our reaction to him - fascinates me. Why can't we hold two thoughts in our head at the same time? 1) Kanye is a brilliant artist-producer. And 2) Kanye often acts, in his personal interactions with the world, like a boob. More than a boob, in fact. A fat-headed egomaniac with a baffling persecution complex and a PhD in victimology. Our artistic idols can be flawed people. We don't have to pretzel-twist ourselves into strained justifications for their bizarre behavior, like their every utterance is an integral part of their meta-art. Sometimes, people are just dicks. But you can still love their music (as I do Kanye's), while being left cold by the person who makes it. And I should know: I like Morrissey.
Kanye has often claimed that those who do not like his output are racist. That is, frankly, ludicrous. He (rightly) bathes in critical and popular acclaim for his work. Every artistic avenue is open to him. His skin color has absolutely nothing to do with the irritation some people feel for his behavior. Do people dislike Ted Nugent because he's white? No. They dislike him because he is an asshole.
I don't call myself an artist.
I'm more of a rebel-hero-fertility-god-clown.
I'm a Social Justice Worrier.
(I worry that some my views will get me fired.)