“Ralph the Robot”: character sketch for proposed TV pilot

Name: Ralph the Robot

Place of birth: Robot Spawning Facility 6, on the planet Celath.

Siblings: Being a robotic race, Celathunes have no concept of siblings. But seven other Celathunes were created that day in that particular Spawning Tower. In a way, Ralph is an octuplet.

Education: Argh, Who cares. This is dumb. I hate my own idea.

Address and occupation: This is such a stupid concept. Why would someone from such an advanced robot civilization visit Earth?

Friends and acquaintances: I’m quoting from my notebook: “The robots eat soil to live, and Ralph’s planet is running out of soil, so they need our soil and they sent Ralph to get the soil”. Really? That’s the back-story? It makes no sense. Why would a mechanical being eat organic matter? Moron.

Describe their apartment: Wasn’t this supposed to be a gentle comedy, with a “fish-out-of-water” robot? If they want our soil, these robots are colonists to be feared and destroyed. Fuck the kooky human roommates and their life lessons. This is race war and they are race traitors. We don’t need understanding. We need tanks. And fighter planes. And the pitiless will to blacken the rivers with robot blood.

Describe their house or apartment: Another thing – we want to set this in London, right? THERE’S NO SOIL HERE, IDIOT. Ralph would go to Norfolk, meet NOBODY, and gobble bags of loamy dirt like a sad fat girl on prom night. This premise doesn’t just have holes in it. It’s a Swiss cheese with leprosy getting gang-banged by forks.

Describe their work environment: Yes, what would Ralph’s job be like? Oh wait. Ralph wouldn’t have a job, because Ralph is a robot without emotions or motivation. He doesn’t want money, or love, or understanding ,.. just … a big plate of soil. Does that sound like a compelling character I want to invite into my home every week for 22 minutes in prime time? I’d rather watch a fatal house-fire.

Describe where the character shops for groceries: Plus the robot concept has been done, like, a gazillion times, better than I could ever do it, covering every conceivable topic: Transformers, Short Circuit, the android on Star Trek…

What kind of car do they drive? … Blade Runner, Battlestar Galactica, Futurama, The Terminator, everything ever made in Japan…

What kind of clothes do they wear? So this is why we quit a perfectly respectable job selling sports equipment? It’s not too late to go back. Jim said the door was always open. Christ, I’m such a coward. This is why Enid left. It’s only 7.30. The off license is still open. I still have those pictures of her breasts on my phone. Fuck it. Just… fuck it.

For more information about ‘Ralph the Robot’, contact: Brian Walker

c/o The Sports Hut, 27 Burwash Street, Deptford SE8