"I just need to get through this week, and then I'll have time to do some stuff." - me, once a week, the last 697 weeks.
Foreign TV
I don't know what every country finds funny. But Mexican TV gives you an answer: wigs.
Passport photos
Your passport photo isn't "bad". It's how you really look.
New Year thoughts
Goals for 2015:1) Humility. 2) Become De Tocqueville of 21st century.
Productivity thought
All you can do is one thing at a time. I'm currently doing none of those things.
Urinal thought
What's the etiquette when someone farts at a urinal?(a) say nothing (b) say something (c) harmonize
Train thought
Anyone on a train looks capable of murder.
Urgh. Jogging.
People jog so badly. Like it's the first attempt at running in their entire life. There must be Momma Joggers out there, pushing these guys out of an SUV and hoping instinct kicks in.
New jokes (that just might stay fresh)
Alcohol will solve any problem, just temporarily. It's like duct tape you can drink. I get butterflies whenever my wife walks into the room. She's covered in caterpillars.
I like my sex like I like my coffee: when my wife's away. She thinks caffeine is bad for me. God, I love her so much.
I'd rather be black than gay, but if it's on the table I'd prefer both.