Career-hungry people in entertainment

There is a comedian in New York, roughly my age, who I think is one of the best joke writers in town. I think we'd get along, and have tried to be his friend, for (and I'm being honest) 90% non-career reasons. Do I think he'll be a huge success one day, and maybe throw me an opportunity or two? Sure. Maybe. But that stuff can't be counted on. He just seems fun: a good hang, quick as hell, and generally my kind of person. But this guy is so career-focused, it's off-putting. I can't help him, so he has no real time for me. Not in a mean way, just in a "Oh hi! Oh bye!" kind of way. My emotional response to this is weird. I can't hold his behavior against him. It's not his job to make me feel good about me. I want people like that to validate me as a person, but they've decided they don't really have time for those kind of connections. He's perfectly within his rights to do so. And I should just get over it. Part of me feels sorry for him. But I'm also jealous of what his dysfunctional, careerist mono-focus has helped him "get".

It's so bizarre to watch. He is very good at "the game", and also very talented. And that is what's so unnerving: you can't tell where success from talent/hard work ends, and success from schmoozing/marketing starts. Then I ask myself: at the end of the day, does it even matter? Did it ever matter? How many of your great entertainment idols are really *that* great? Maybe they were just "good enough" talent-wise, but lucky enough to be born with the gift of networking? Does every creative field have a Patrice O'Neal: a cranky genius so many miles ahead of the competition, but too self-destructive to play the game?

 

What happened today?

A Korean gentleman at my deli just wished me "Happy July!" Not just the 4th: the whole shebang. What a sweetie. ***

Just remembered: on one day last week, I had sex, watched the World Cup, drank four beers, and quoted The Simpsons with pals for two hours. I'm living my 13 year-old dream.

***

Like most of the world, I'd forgotten that Jay-Z straight up stabbed a dude in '99 and was looking at 15 years. He's bounced back well, hasn't he?

Party Illuminati

Screenshot 2014-05-04 18.59.44 The next Illuminati Party on Saturday May 10th? The password is "Blue Ivy". All details here. Welcome to the New World Order.

I'm an inventor now

Screenshot 2014-04-28 11.17.22 I’m an inventor now. I invented something this morning. This is my invention:

A notepad for the shower.

We all have our best ideas in the shower, but how do we capture them? Introducing, THE SHOWER GENIUS. It’s a hi-tech dry erase board with oil based pens that don’t smear under hot, pressured water. It attaches to your bathroom tile with super powerful suction cups (probably with a cool lever).

I am NOT going to Google this idea to see if someone else thought of it already. Because if they have, then I’m not an inventor, I’m just a loser who had the same idea as another, smarter guy, a little bit after him. Burst my bubble? No thanks. Inside this bubble, life is pretty great right now. I’m rich, I’m famous, I’m on TV (I do my own commercials).

I’m never going to actually DO anything to make THE SHOWER GENIUS happen. That would require hard work, trial and error, and, well, that Googling thing. Not going to happen. But in MY head, until I forget about the whole idea, I’m Steve Jobs.

Think Different.

(I just googled it and it’s been done. I’m so disappointed.)

Gary Gulman is world class

Is there anyone better at wringing new truth out of well-trodden territory than Gary Gulman? I think that is the tell-tale sign of a comic getting very, very good. [hulu=http://www.hulu.com/watch/626936]

 

Political correctness

Screenshot 2014-04-02 14.51.20I quite like political correctness. It just seems like good manners. Being conscientious of other people's feelings or preferences isn't a burden, it's a gift. It builds trust and comfort. And like all good manners, a dash of debonair respect helps a good time swing. But critics of political correctness have one decent point. If we get obsessed with it, heightened language-awareness becomes stuffy and dull. Like the table manners expected at Buckingham Palace. Yes, we're all correctly using the precisely appropriate salad fork. But are we having fun? Hell no.

Chicken

I don't like that I eat chicken. I feel awful for the chicken. But chickens eat bugs when they can, and don't seem to feel bad about it at all. So show me a chicken that doesn't eat bugs and I will pledge to never eat him. The only way vegetarianism will ever suit me is with some sort of unilateral cross-species pact, with an inspection regime, like the US and Russia did with nukes. Trust, but verify.

ROAD STORIES: TONIGHT!

Road Stories copyLet's do it people. TONIGHT. Creek and the Cave. 10pm. Hard partying rockstar ANDREW WK and the Wu-Tang Clan's go-to mic assassin MASTA KILLA will be onstage with me and three wonderful comedians MARK NORMAND, JOE LIST and LEAH BONNEMA telling stories from life on the road. Come on out, y'all.

Commitment strategy

photoThis is my new commitment strategy. On the top right of the photograph is a calendar that cost me $2.50. Every red cross is an open mic where I performed stand-up comedy. Every circled red cross is a stand-up comedy show I performed on. Below that is another cheap calendar (this one was just $2). Each blue cross is a piece of writing I put on the internet. The last two crosses should actually have circles around them. The circle says I actually got paid to write on the internet. The last two things that paid me were my Village Voice weekly independent comedy show roundup "Cheap Laughs", and my advice column I write for The Frisky.com called "Ask a Married Guy". The photograph on the left is a framed black and white headshot of Oscar-winning actor Jimmy Stewart I once found in a thrift store. That's not important to this post, but I thought you might enjoy it. Every day, I have to put my writing online. Every day, I have to perform stand-up comedy. It can be just 100 words of original thoughts. It can be just one three minute spot with just two other comics in the crowd. They all count. The only thing that matters is that I did it. It is part of my new mantra: THE ONLY WAY IS EVERY DAY. I don't want to say too much about my experience yet. I want to check back in after a month. But this feels important. It's something I'm proud of doing, and proud of sticking to (with the exception of not writing on goddamned Valentine's Day). I'll keep you updated along the way, with ultra-honest check-ins.

Left cold by psychics

I want to believe in psychics. The idea of a harmless thrill, dabbling in the supernatural, asking what fate has in store? I'm all for it, as a concept. In reality, I can't handle it. I'm too judgmental. I can't see beyond the fact that psychics are either delusional schizophrenics, or professional liars - mostly the second one. They are hucksters. Shysters. Scoundrels. Awful, awful people who detect subtle social signals and use them to manipulate people.

My wife's friend Jeff was hooked in by a gang of con artists once. Heartbroken after the end of a relationship, he visited a psychic in a Phoenix strip mall. For me, that's a red flag. I know psychics won't necessarily use their powers to get rich. But you're telling me the future is so uncertain that you rent? I only take cosmic advice from homeowners. Have a little skin in the game. I can't entrust my spiritual future to someone sharing a wall with GameStop.

Jeff walked in, and got exactly what he wanted: hope. The psychic lady said there was a chance he could rekindle love with his ex. He just needed to come regularly, and commit to a bunch of spiritual exercises. Are psychics any different from shrinks in this? No psychologist ends the first session saying "well, it sounds like you're a standard model asshole: I can't help, just take each day as it comes and try not being yourself".

After a while, the lady gained Jeff's confidence completely. And one day, she has a black eye. Jeff asks what happened. She's married to a brute who beats her and her kids. She's trapped. She's desperate to flee, but penniless. Again, psychics who marry wife-beaters? You forgot to consult the crystal before the wedding? Isn't that professional malpractice? But they say doctors make the worst patients. Anyway, Jeff has a lot of money. Some he earned, the rest his parents and grandparents made. Somehow, the idea came up of Jeff giving this woman a large sum of cash so she could get away and start a new life. I believe the total was $50,000. The day the check cleared, she was gone. Strip mall cleared out. Phone disconnected. The grift took about three months from start to finish. Fifty grand is not a bad haul for a few weeks' work.

That did it for me and psychics. On principle, I despise them. But when you hate psychics, somehow you become the monster. You're un-fun. You won't play along like everyone else. And when you start ranting about what criminals they are, people start to view you with contempt. "You hate that adorable little woman sitting by red candlelight? The old lady in the shawl, arranging heather on that antique tarot table? What the hell is wrong with you? She wouldn't hurt anyone." No, that's ALL she does. You know who doesn't hurt anyone? Florists. So when I want to know the future, I go buy a few blooms. When I ask a florist what's in store down the line, I get the truth. "Lillies are here in few weeks". And that's good enough for me.

 

The Indian grocery store and the service dog

The title of this post sounds like a terrible Neil Young song. But I digress. My new obsession is a huge Indian grocery store in Jackson Heights, Patel Brothers. The place is huge and has every kind of mutant vegetable known to man. Everything has a weird name and as soon as you see it you want it: it's like the IKEA of fruit. Yesterday I swang in for some Asafoetida powder and mung beans. I mention this detail to confirm that I KNOW I am a giant douchebag, but don't care. http://www.culinate.com/hunk/166556

On my way out, I saw a great fight between the Indian security guard and two New York weirdos. The couple were in their mid-50s, and dressed head-to-toe in fur coats, sequined jeans and sequined sweaters. Amid the quiet Bangladeshi housewives, they stood out like an airhorn. The lady was a classic "party girl left out in the rain". The fundamentals of beauty were still in her face, but rusted over with three decades of cigarettes and drugs and vodka. The dude looked like Andy Warhol's cousin: bowl-cut wig, yellow-tinted aviator glasses, and the permanently pursed lips of plastic surgery patients from the 1980s.  In their shopping cart was a knock-off Louis Vuitton bag with a small Yorkshire Terrier inside. The security guard kept yelling "no dogs". The woman yelled back in the thickest Queens accent you've ever heard: "It's a service doooaaawg. You hiyaaaave to let me in. It's the looooooooowah." Andy Warhol's cousin said nothing with his mouth, and everything with his eyes.

The guard wouldn't hear it. So the lady pulled some sort of official card from her purse to justify the dog. I imagine it said, "yeah, I know this person is nuts, but I'm a busy doctor and I had bunch of patients waiting and she insisted she needs a dog at all times or she'll fall apart. So can you just look the other way?". To be clear: this woman was not blind or visibly disabled in any way. She just feels better having a Yorkshire Terrier around. You know who else that applies to? Fucking EVERYONE. Have you ever played with a Yorkshire Terrier? They're a delight.

There is an epidemic of this kind of thing in the country today. People prescribe themselves service dogs all the time. What was her problem? I don't know. Probably something vague like anxiety or agoraphobia, and this Yorkshire Terrier fixes it. I feel any problem a Yorkshire Terrier can fix may, well... not actually be a problem. But I didn't. The argument was heating up. The security guard kept refusing, and the lady responded with her trump card: "do you want me to call the government?" Now, I support a social safety net. But if someone from "the government" is sitting by a phone at 5pm on a Sunday, waiting for calls from aging disco queens and their grocery store-embargoed terriers... I think that's bureaucracy we can trim.

But this grocery store serves immigrants of all levels of legality, so "government" was the magic word. One mention of that, and it was all over. The guard relented instantly. The disco queens were in and looking for lentils. As they walked away, the Indian guard and a store manager began a very serious conversation in (I'm guessing) Urdu, with sprinklings of English. It sounded something like "urdu urdu urdu service dog urdu urdu urdu Americans with Disabilities Act urdu urdu urdu more trouble than it's fucking worth urdu urdu urdu".

After hating these weirdos for a good two minutes, I began to feel embarrassed. It's a dog, for Pete's sake. What's the problem with having him in the store? It can't be a hygiene issue. They let children in, and they are oozing sacks of disease who touch everything. Plus, everything in the store is from India, home to the world's finest diarrhea. If you're not washing everything you buy there, your issue isn't dogs. It's that you're dumber than a dog.

This is an odd country. In New York, I saw an argument about whether taking a dog in a grocery store was unsafe. In Arkansas, I could shop for fruit with a loaded Magnum .44 in my hand. I feel that's a greater health hazard. I should probably get more worked up about that, not the honesty and vulnerability of people with the courage to say "I'm sick and this dog is my medicine".

Advice: sleeping with old friends

Ask A Married Guy: "Did I Just Get Played By The Player-Of-All-Players?" Here's my latest advice column up at The Frisky. Alisa has a problem:

So I’ve been a friend of this good guy for over 10 years.  We’ve always had sexual tension, but I never really gave a thought to it nor did I think we were going to act on it. On a total random drunken night, we had sex.  So we decided to go on a date, and it really was no different from any other time we’ve hung out.  He said stupid things to me all night like “You’re my dream girl,” and to be honest, I loved it and had a great time.  I didn’t realized how much I actually like this guy, until one day – he just stopped calling. He’d make plans, and cancel last minute, which is unlike him. We’ve always been close, and I’ve known FOR YEARS that he is a commitment-phobe.  All the years that we’ve been friends, he’s never had a single date. Is this guy genuinely scared of me/relationships or did I just get played by the player-of-all-players? — Alisa

You did not get played. You got “manned.”

Let me tell you something about men. Their deepest, darkest fear is being trapped.  It’s constant. They fear it even when there are no traps in sight. Put a man in a wide-open emotional space, with nothing but happy meadows and tweeting birds for miles around, and he’ll still be terrified of some girl popping up yelling, “I’m pregnant and it’s yours!”

The fear is about 50 percent justified, because there are a lot of traps out there for a guy. Think about the crazy girl who threatens to kill herself if you break up with her, or the controlling girl who drives a wedge between men and their friends. These terrible girls are out there and we fear their crappy, trappy ways.

The other 50 percent? It’s all in his head. Half the time, men DECIDE to fear a trap. If a guy is with a girl who is 95 percent the PERFECT woman for him, he may wake up one day and say, “This whole situation is stopping me from finding the girl who is 100 percent perfect. Therefore, I have fallen in to a trap. Therefore, I must run a thousand miles from this situation.”

That’s the head-space your man is in right now. Frankly, he’s in Crazy Town. There was no trap here. He just hooked up with an old friend. It went well, you went on a date or two. What was the problem? He could have just seen where this fun thing was going. Instead, he went all Hunt for Red October on you: submerging, ceasing all communication, and hiding at the bottom of an ocean somewhere until this all blows over.

There’s very little you can do. Although when men fear a trap, they sometimes respond surprisingly well to women who say, “Look, this isn’t a trap.” So maybe send a brief email expressing that, and reassure him that you haven’t spent 10 years PINING for him, UTTERLY in love with everything about him. Make him understand this isn’t the culmination of some elaborate, 10-year scheme to marry him and have six babies in eight years. You were just pleasantly surprised at the sudden chemistry and would like to keep exploring it. If it works for him? Great. If it doesn’t? No harm, no foul. I doubt he’ll respond, but it’s worth a shot.

But onto the bigger question: How do you break this cycle? How do you short-circuit the male brain’s entrapment paranoia?

Live well. Go out and be amazing. And make sure he knows it. The goal here is to make him realize that his current life is actually the trap. The sub-par relationships? The loneliness? The desperate man-boy immaturity? These are the bars of his prison: the one he locked himself into. The way out is dating you. But there’s no persuading him of this. He has to get it on his own.

Have a query for Tom? Email him at friskymarriedguy@gmail.com! All questions will be posted anonymously, unless otherwise requested.

Why do women initiate divorce more than men?

Originally written for the Telegraph UK:

Divorce: the popular misconception is that it’s all down to adulterous men

Whose fault is divorce? The cold statistical answer is: women.

Before the hate-mail barrage begins, let’s clarify that rather bald statement (and yes, I was partly just trying to get your attention). It’s undeniable that women request the great majority of divorces in the UK. The Office of National Statistics’ (ONS) most recent number crunch reveals that in 2011, the woman was the party granted (therefore initiating) the divorce in 66% of cases that year. It used to be an even higher share: 69% in 2001, and a whopping 72% at the start of the 1990s.

So what are the factors driving that female choice to divorce? The popular misconception is that it’s all down to adulterous men and their wandering penises. But you’d be wrong. Those same ONS stats break down the reasons for divorce, since there are only five legal justifications for ending marriage under UK law: adultery, unreasonable behavior, desertion, or separation (either with or without the consent of the spouse). Men and women are practically equal offenders in the infidelity stakes. In fact, slightly more men claim to have been cuckolded in court (15% of male-initiated divorces) than women (14%).

I’m not pretending for a moment that men are blameless. Those same ONS stats tell us that over half of female-granted divorces are down to their other half’s unreasonable behavior, which can be anything from unchecked boozing, physical abuse, wanton gambling, or that garden-variety mental cruelty you probably saw traces of at your last dinner party. Thank God women are ending those relationships.

On the other hand, it’s possible that women are more likely to initiate divorce than men because in the divorce court, especially where children are involved, the odds are in the female’s favour. Married men who get divorced are generally afraid of losing their kids, with good reason: over 80% of children of separated parents live exclusively or mainly with their mother. Men, often the higher earners, fear the crippling costs of a split. Women raising children and without much income can use taxpayer funds (through Legal Aid – for example) to fight a divorce, only paying the Crown back if they get a sufficiently large settlement. Not to sound crude, but this is like going to the Divorce Casino and playing with the house’s cash.

The UK’s divorce courts are so notorious for their supposed “wife-friendly” atmosphere that many men believe they would get a fairer hearing if their divorce proceedings were carried out elsewhere in the EU. . British courts can award ex-wives maintenance for life, while some European jurisdictions frequently limit post-marital support to only a handful of years. The potential lifetime supply of maintenance payments may make the stress and misery of divorce a high-reward gamble for British wives at the end of their tether.

Of course, only an idiot would say that divorce is all peaches and cream for women. The challenges facing ex-wives are daunting: single parenthood, re-entering the job market, recovering from the potential trauma of an abusive partner… the list is long, before you even get to financial matters. As one Cambridge University study observed, women see their per capita income drop by an average of 31% immediately following divorce (even if much of that income has been earned by her ex).

The aftermath of divorce is no picnic for men either. Yet it’s women who are more likely to take that drastic and frightening step into the unknown.

Here's another thought. Women often criticise men for their fear of commitment. Perhaps we are anxious to commit because it is more likely that our partners will eventually be the ones bailing out of this “lifelong” partnership, not us.

But then, in other respects, men often have themselves to blame. Perhaps the fact that women initiate more divorces has nothing to do with maintenance payments or custody of the children. Perhaps it’s simply a higher-stakes version of the typical male attitude to relationships. Many men will have thought to themselves, at least once in life: “I won’t break up with her, I’ll just be a complete tool until she ends it”. The divorce stats are perhaps just a reflection of the fact that men are cowards. Women are more likely to have the balls to call time on a failing relationship; men are more likely to simply wait to be told that it’s over.

No fapping, please, it's making us ill

Over 70,000 men have signed up to an online forum vowing to give up online porn and masturbation. Tom Cowell reports for the Telegraph on a very modern support group.

Forgive our impertinence, but… er… do you masturbate too much?

It seems a ridiculous thought. Titillation and porn are everywhere in our hyper-sexed culture. People appear to be at it constantly, so the question is absurd, like asking if you breathe too much or blink to excess. But a growing online community is turning away from masturbation, reporting incredible results from their self-denial: better sexual performance, greater confidence, and more mojo almost everywhere in their lives.

This movement’s spiritual home is the social sharing site Reddit, where enlightened anti-onanists gather on a page called NoFap (“fapping” = internet slang for masturbation, and no one quite knows why). Over 70,000 subscribers have signed up for the page, where users can take The NoFap Challenge, foreswearing masturbation for 90 days or longer. It’s not a judgmental place, but supportive and almost off-puttingly compassionate: a kind of “Wankers Anonymous”.

So why are men doing it, and what happens when they do?

“Why” can be answered two ways: some see a medical problem in chronic masturbation, others a spiritual one.

The medical anti-masturbators’ high priest is Gary Wilson. Formerly of Southern Oregon University, Wilson runs YourBrainOnPorn.com and delivered a 2012 TEDx talk called The Great Porn Experiment - viewed over 1.3 million times on YouTube. He doesn’t say masturbation is bad per se, but that porn consumption and excess fapping can fuse into “arousal addiction”, because our caveman brains are drowned into madness by the 21st century filth-hose called the Internet.

Wilson argues the mammal brain responds to sexual novelty. Biologists call this The Coolidge Effect, ensuring we capitalize on all genetic opportunities to reproduce. But your poor brain can’t tell the difference between physical and digital crumpet. You ogle more naked women in ten minutes online than Genghis Khan did in a lifetime of pillage, but your brain doesn’t know that Internet porn isn’t “real”. Watching a video, your brain thinks it just hit the Darwinian jackpot. It releases dopamine, the “seeking” hormone essential to the brain’s reward/reinforcement system. Wilson says that to porn-addled brains, the dopamine says “binge… do this, and if possible, ONLY this, until you can’t do it any more”.

It’s the same impulse that makes you eat despite already feeling full, a way of ensuring you “get while the getting is good”. Your brain doesn’t know where your next meal or woman is coming from: it wants you to eat/ejaculate while you can. But dopamine numbs other pleasure responses, eroding your willpower and making you hyper-reactive to the stimulus that triggered it (i.e. video smut). Over time, heavy porn users can find themselves unable to sustain relationships, or even erections when there are other people “present”.

Other NoFappers don’t medicalise their masturbation problem, they spiritualise it. Mark Queppet runs the Sacred Spirituality Project, which invites men to forgo masturbation as part of a higher expression of sexuality. He harks back to a pre-broadband past when “men needed to be strong, successful, and good people in order to attract a desirable mate. However, pornography and masturbation allow men to forgo all of that stuff and skip right to hyper-stimulating physical pleasure. The world is full of potential discomfort and anxieties, and Queppet suggests masturbation is yet another means of instant gratification that stunts our spiritual growth. As he puts it, “the world needs more strong and passionate men… but sadly, they are still stuck in their room masturbating to their smart phone.”

So what happens when you go cold turkey? According to the Reddit group, it’s pretty much the greatest thing ever. Reddit user “Rantham” (760 days nofapping and counting) reports: “I'm full of energy, I'm focused, my mind is clear, women aren't objects to me, ALL of my relationships have improved, generally I'm just a better more caring person when I don't have this cloud over me.” Another user “NeverFappin” feels “like a complete bad-ass in many ways, I speak slower and with a deeper tone in my voice… I think pretty much every woman I see now is attracted to me so I guess that's pretty high confidence for you.” It’s no stroll in the park, though. Some NoFappers report a high incidence of depression, loneliness, and in the most extreme of cases, suicidal thoughts.

The lesson there seems to be, if you’re going to try this, however awkward the idea, don’t do it alone. Talk to your doctor, join up with an Internet community like Reddit, or team up with friends or co-workers for a group NoFap challenge. Now that would be an interesting staff meeting, wouldn’t it?

Who is better: New York men, or London men?

I answered this pressing question for The Daily Telegraph in the UK. I am a very serious journalist.

London men versus New York men: who's better?

Despite their similarities, London chaps and New York guys are markedly different species. So who's best, asks (Londoner turned New Yorker) Tom Cowell

Different species: Mad Men's Lane Pryce and Don Draper 

The New York male and the London male: two species of dude so similar, in many respects they seem to have been separated at birth. Both stomp triumphantly around financial and media capitals. Both feel they live at the centre of the known universe. And both spend far too much time on their hair.

But there are marked differences between these tribes, from confidence and sense of humour, to mating rituals and dress sense.

So who's best? Gotham guys or Big Smoke boys? There's only one way to find out: wholly unscientific means of anecdotes from people who have lived in both cities.

1. Masculinity

Alexander T., a British-born doctor living in Harlem, thinks that "maleness" is a much more consciously performed thing in Manhattan than in London. “Your clothes, what you order in a restaurant, your ability to deliver a sincere patter about your goals and passions – these are things that will help get you laid in New York. Sometimes the London approach of just relying on being funny and self-deprecating will fail to impress.” But only sometimes, Alexander stresses. “For every woman who judges you harshly for your lack of a five-year plan, there will be others driven so mad with trauma by douchebag New York males that a few hours of you listening and being a nice guy will make you seem like the catch of the century.”

2. Confidence

“There’s definitely more of a sense ‘don’t ask, never get’ in the U.S., so New Yorkers are a bit more what Brits would call ‘chancers’, for lack of a better term,” says Johanna D., a dual-citizen film producer who lived in New York for three years but now resides in London. “There’s the sense that a men can ask you out at the drop of a hat in New York. I was once in a discount shoe warehouse and the guy working the till asked for my phone number. Um, thanks, but no. That wouldn’t happen in London.”

3. Relationships

Johanna’s American academic partner Daniel H. is stunned by the speed of coupling in London. “There’s less understood by default by both parties in America, which means mating conversations and periods go on longer. There’s more shared understanding of the mating/courting ritual in London, which is basically ‘meet, drink, shag’”. Johanna adds: “A London date very quickly goes from awkward diffidence to incredibly wasted and “you’re f--king gorgeous, mate”. People are more willing to ask questions and find out what you’re like in New York, which for a Brit feels incredibly fake. A British girl’s default response to that is “why aren’t you either ignoring me, or slobbering all over my face?”

4. Appearances

Julia B. is a fundraiser in London, who lived in New York for seven years. “London men dress better in general, and look a million miles better in suits. For some reason, New Yorkers are obsessed with boxy, ill-fitting suit jackets, Wall Street types being the worst offenders. New York men are probably more buff, and more image-conscious in general. There was once a big divide in pube-trimming [New York yes, London no], but London has closed that gap.” New Yorkers seem much more reluctant to grow up, she thinks. “New York men try and retain their youth for longer. There are more 45 year olds with skateboards in Williamsburg, Brooklyn than there are in Hackney. London men will want to settle down sooner than New Yorkers. As a woman, there’s more danger of being single in New York since men want to stay 20 in their minds forever, so women don’t want to commit either because they see all these immature dudes around. In London, men understand women’s biological clocks a little better.”

5. Humour

The stock New Yorker has an abrasive reputation, but graphic designer Michael L. says the two years he spent in London upended that stereotype for him. “London guys wear a grim, unpleasant face a lot of the time. People in New York were a lot more willing to be friendly. And that’s what English people will describe as fake. They think the New York niceness is not genuine.” This unpleasant edge extended over into male bonding rituals, too. “London men are a lot more willing to get sarcastic and throw mean jabs quicker than Americans will. With my close American friends, I’ll make fun of them all day long. But it takes time to get there. Brits go for the jugular right away. All that 'taking the p---' culture takes a lot of adjusting to”.

So there you have it. Are you a London man seeking fun and flings? You should definitely spend a few weeks in New York. Your superior wardrobe, mature demeanour and refreshing self-deprecation will land in fertile, man-boy traumatised soil in the City That Never Sleeps. But London women? Avoid the siren song of the New York male. No matter how grumpy your London beau is, he’s a better overall package than the flash-harry New Yorker locked in the throes of arrested development. Yes, that suave Manhattanite just romantically asked you out in the middle of the street. But, a) he asks out every woman with a pulse, and, b) he probably works at a discount shoe store.

What’s your take on the differences between New York and London men? Who would you rather be stuck in a lift, on a road trip, or hitting the bars with? Let us know in the comments.

Tom Cowell is a writer and comedian. He was raised in London and lives in New York. Follow him on Twitter @mrtomcowell

Blondie's Debbie Harry Has Some Advice for Miley Cyrus

Here's my interview with Blondie's Debbie Harry, which first ran in The Village Voice: _blondie2013.jpg

Debbie Harry is about pulling off the impossible. Her vocal performances shouldn't work: how can you sound distant and intimate at the same time? You can't, and definitely not in a pop song. Yet Harry does. Her stage persona--the untouchable glamor girl who still shows every ounce of her vulnerability--should be a train wreck (file under "Love, Courtney"). Instead, the front woman's presence has helped propel a four-decade career for Blondie. Pop music owes this band a lot. The new wave pioneers spent a decade in the 70s and 80s experimenting with an eclectic mix of musical styles like disco, hip-hop, and reggae, inviting the predictable wrath of punk's self-appointed bore brigade. But it's hardly an exaggeration that Blondie opened up more lanes for more artists than any New York band since The Velvets. And they're not stopping. Friday sees the band complete an 18-city tour with fellow path-breakers X, at the Roseland Ballroom, and then it's back to the studio to complete their 10th album, tentatively titled Ghosts of Download and due out next year. We sat down with Harry to talk about sexual personas, World Beat, and what "selling out" really means.

You still live in New York City, and it's very different from the mid-70s. Does its current incarnation fill you with hope or despair? I don't know if I'd use either of those words. The city always changes very quickly and I've been here long enough to see a lot of shifts. It's inevitable. Gentrification, a population explosion, and changes in communication have made a major difference in the life of the city. And that's part of what Ghosts of a Download is about. It's about the spirit of something being in the medium. How spirits now live in the digital realm, and how that has altered our lives. Are you saying that the real spirit of NYC is vibrating inside the music and art that comes out of the city? That the city is not about what it looks like, but about the digital echo of stuff we make? Yes, I think so. The city is a reflection of the music and other art made here. That's what the city is.

People romanticize the decrepit New York of the 1970s. How do you feel when people do that? I don't always think about the past. I'm always motivated towards the future and creating new things. I miss a lot of the people who are no longer with us from the '70s, and it would be wonderful to hear or see what they're doing now. I'll tell you this: one of the things that hit me after 9/11 was phases of mourning--you go from sadness to anger, and all the rest... but one of those phases was me thinking "God, I wish it was the '70s again". It was because of a great feeling of freedom and love and innocence in that decade. It wasn't easy or romantic on a day-to-day basis: it was a struggle. It was scary. Sometimes it was ugly and nasty. But it was a whirlwind full of life: not a single atonal picture, but a wild world of experience. Chaos is a great factor in making art happen. And we had a fundamental chaos going on with the state of the city. With our music, Blondie were trying to do something that harkened of the past--a trace of the pop of the '60s--while still reflecting our subculture and harnessing some new technology. We were lucky to be in the right place at the right time.

Blondie constantly grew the musical map for the mainstream. Punk, disco, hip-hop, reggae... you guys always expanded the territory that pop music was exploring. What's next? The beats in our current record are more like World Beats. The references are bigger. And we've done a lot more collaboration with other artists. Chris [Stein, Harry's former partner, Blondie co-founder and bandmate] did a lot of work with Systema Solar from Colombia. And we have a song that's not truly indicative of Maori culture, but a very sweet one--by a New Zealand band called Dukes. This album is a dance record, but doesn't really fit into the dance music trends of the moment.

The tentative new album title--"Ghosts of the Download"--sounds ominous. It'll be interesting for a moment. But the record will have a digital lifespan. It's predictable that it will soon be obsolete, and become even more ghost-like. Maybe that's just a bunch of metaphysical claptrap, but things move very quickly now.

Things live forever because they're digitized, but it's our attention that gives them life. And people are always making new things, making old things obsolete. That's a powerful idea. I'm sure I'm not the one to originate it.

The band released a record in 2003 called The Curse of Blondie. Was your stage and cultural persona--the magnetic blonde--a curse? [Laughs] I don't walk around calling myself Blondie--I think of Blondie as the group. But I know that in the public's mind I am Blondie. I don't feel cursed about looking the way that I look. It's been good for business. And on a personal level it 's very nice to be loved, appreciated, fawned over, all of those things. I'm a lucky girl.

From very early on, you became a sexual avatar in pop music: something that men and women could project all kinds of things onto. Do you have any advice for the pop stars of today--the Miley Cyruses of this world--bout how to handle that? It's a different world for them. You have to develop your own sense of personal radar, your comfort zone, your strengths. The most important thing is to be willing to challenge. The public has to feel challenged by you. And that's a difficult position to take. It's an essential part of being a pop star. You have to risk some sort of emotional exposure and embarrassment and realize how important it is to put all of yourself on the line.

Do people pander more than challenge these days? People are very career-minded now. Rock and Roll has taken on a real show business mentality. When I was coming up it was more counter-culture. It's better to be an underdog like that because it gives you more liberty.

What's your proudest moment in music so far? Gee. I don't know. Maybe a few very small moments in performance or writing, when you surprise yourself. "Wow, that was me?" It was great to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but it's the little, intimate moments of self-realization that stick with you.

Biggest disappointment? I'm not very dissatisfied right now, so that's a hard question to answer. I guess right now, the big disappointment is that we haven't gotten a big radio hit since "Maria" [in 1999]. That's one of the great things about Blondie. We've been able to have a credibility and an undertone and an edge that broke some rules, and yet still have a commercial life. And that's not an easy thing to do.

Commercial success vs. credibility. How do you ride that line? People love the phrase "selling out". What does that phrase even mean to you? I've never particularly liked it. It's about people's bitterness. In a way, it's about possessing things. When the music you like becomes more popular, you feel like you don't own it any more. You become off-balance. I don't think that I have to be in any kind of format. There was a time when blending different styles of music was completely verboten. Which is where some of that "selling out" attack comes from. We were highly criticized for "Heart of Glass" because it was considered to be too much of a disco song. But in today's market that doesn't mean a thing, thank god.