Good bomb story

I did a show at a bar for 8 people. I was hosting, so I'm getting ready to open the show and do ten minutes. The bartender comes over, and tells me a guy at the end of the bar has Tourette's. But not the typical kind. He has "Laughing Tourette's". Basically, he would laugh very loud at inopportune times. She says "so don't make fun of him, he can't help it". I say "thanks for telling me, I would never make fun of him". And in my head I thought, "that's the best kind of disease to have at a comedy show. This might go well". I go up. Eat total shit for ten minutes. Complete silence. INCLUDING THE FUCKER WITH TOURETTE'S. My comedy was so bad, I CURED A MAN OF LAUGHTER.

 

Terrible stand-up

Last night, I saw some stand-up comedy that was so awful, it became magical. In eight brief minutes, this performer managed to squeeze in the following: - open with bit about how each parent is of a different race - Christopher Walken impression - Obama impression - George W. Bush impression - close with bit about Hurricane Sandy (made landfall Oct. 2012).

I can now tell my grandchildren: I saw the Pelé of hack.

Post Office

You know how the staff treats you like shit at the Post Office? Everyone in government treats you that way. You just can't see them do it.

Why I’m not THAT worried about climate change

Climate-Change-3 I'm not a wing-nut, but I have a take on this issue that you don't hear much.

I believe the planet is getting warmer. And I believe human beings are partly responsible for it. More accurately, I believe the scientists who say those things. It’s just a belief: I don’t know anything. I have to take someone’s word for it. Forecasting the climate, and its effects, is something no layperson can do. There seem to be way more “it’s getting warmer” scientists than “no, it isn’t” scientists. So I'll go along with them.

Here’s where I disagree with a lot of New York liberals. Those brave souls, who summon up the daily courage to have the same opinions as everyone around them.

The planet is getting warmer. But… does it really matter that much? Is it consequential? There’s a lot of alarmism out there. Here: (http://www.carbonneutralearth.com/global_warming_statistics.php) is a typical example. Over a third of all plant and animal species could be extinct by 2050! We’ll lose a fifth of all forests! We’re killing the planet: this is ecocide!

That’s a horrific scenario. People say terrifying things like this all the time. But my approach is always this: ignore what people SAY, watch what they DO. It’s easy to talk about your fears for the planet. But reversing climate change would require very large political, economic and social shifts, some of them uncomfortable for a lot of people. What are most people who claim to care actually DOING about climate change? Sure, they go on a few protest marches. They post worried things to Facebook. A few of them even write to their elected officials. They certainly tell pollsters and people at dinner parties that they are “very concerned” about climate change.

It’s all very polite and safe. In many ways, that’s the default left-wing position: vocal disappointment in people who don’t agree with them, and a kind of passive despair for everyone and every thing. That position is so easy. And so lazy.

Are any climate change activists closing down power plants with sit-ins? No. Are they sabotaging dirty, CO2-spewing planes? No. In fact, I think only a handful of people who SAY they care about climate change would support stuff like that. Why? Because people would be seriously inconvenienced. Airports would clog. Electrical power to schools and hospitals would be threatened. And those would be, naturally, bad things.

But bad compared to what? Aren’t we talking about the imminent end of the planet here? Aren’t we talking about mass population shifts? And Miami sinking into the Pacific? And Bangladesh ceasing to exist etc. etc. (whatever the “doomsday scenario” of the week). Why aren't people sacrificing everything to stop this existential menace? Where are the true eco-warriors?

In 1963, some people were so committed to saving the nation of Vietnam, they set themselves on fire. For 30 years, the IRA bombed, shot and hunger-struck to change the political fate of Northern Ireland (a place roughly half the size of metro Seattle). I’m not endorsing those actions, but you have to admit: they put their money where their mouth was. They put some skin in the game. They gave up life and liberty for their cause, and a lot of people risked jail and humiliation to help them.

So here’s my gut feeling.

Not even climate change protestors believe in the doomsday scenario. They think it “could” happen. But they harbor large, unspoken doubts. They definitely think climate change is “bad”, in the same way they think a whole raft of abstract stuff is “bad”: like capitalism, heavy industry, multinational corporations, and all that stuff. But they don’t believe that the situation is so bad, that they have to actively sacrifice their current happiness to change it.

And THAT is how you measure how bad things are. Not on any set scale, but on how much you’re willing to give up in order to change it. Judging purely by their actions, (not words) most climate change protestors believe stuff is “bad, but y'know, not end-of-the-world bad”. When they start really messing stuff up, I'll be worried. Until then, I won't.

Safety first

bathsafety It’s National Bath Safety Month. I can’t say this too often: the #1 rule of bath safety? No guns.

Pride

I'm proud of few things. But proudest of never using "what's the happs?" in conversation.

You CAN be too nice

"I've never heard him say a bad word about anybody".Well, OK. But who wants to hang out with a guy like that?

Drawing the Prophet

Everyone Draw Mohammed Sometimes humans are pretty great. Other times, they kill people for drawing a guy who lived 1,400 years ago. Boy, are we nuts!

Soccer!

Looking forward to first futbol game of 2015. I have new boots and new fat.

Groups

In any group, there's always someone who knows all the words to House of Pain's "Jump Around".

American emotions

The two key American emotions: 1) Optimism. 2) Paranoia. "Tomorrow will be better than today... unless the government takes it all away."

Sopranos

The Sopranos finale will always be a mystery. Why couldn't Meadow nail that parking space? She had so much fucking room.

"Busy"

There is no such thing as "busy". It's a word we invented because "thanks, but I'd prefer to do something else" is too painful to say. Or hear.

On the Artie Lange "controversy"

Screen Shot 2014-11-06 at 10.52.59 AM Artie Lange tweeted some jokes. People were "outraged". He lost a gig. Meanwhile, today I heard a song on the radio by The Rolling Stones called 'Brown Sugar'. It goes like this:

Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields Sold in a market down in New Orleans Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright Hear him whip the women just around midnight Brown sugar! How come you taste so good? Brown sugar! Just like a young girl should.

This is a fantasy about slavery and sexual abuse. I am APPALLED. It's DISGUST-oh wait, people who own media like this band? Oh, OK. That's fine. Carry on everybody.

Have you ever bored your own parents?

It’s a tough moment. My mother is now very quick to let me know I’m boring her. We’ll be on the phone, and I’ll be droning on, and she just says: “OK – I’m done”. And the conversation is over. Your parents are supposed to think everything you do is remarkable and captivating. Remember when the whole house stopped, just because you used a toilet correctly? But now, you tell ONE story that doesn’t have a point, and your parents are mentally checked out.

Children go through the same thing in as teenagers: they realize their parents are boring. Before hormones kick in? Your parents are gods. They have money and cars and are tall. Then you hit 13, and realize the opposite. Oh, my parents are just two examples of millions of middle-aged people, who mainly like things from 20 years ago and fall asleep in chairs. It’s an important phase: if you didn’t start to think your parents were boring, you’d never want to leave home.

Maybe boring your parents is the true last step in becoming an adult. When you’re a child, you can NEVER be boring to parents. Because you’re always just one bad decision away from accidentally killing yourself. Parenthood is basically a very cute suicide watch. Mothers and fathers have to be hyper-vigilant to keep their kid alive. When you bore your parents, it’s a true sign that the vigilance is over. They succeeded. They made a thing that can live on its own without dying. But, frankly, that’s not that interesting. When you’ve pulled Lego out of a choking child’s esophagus, hearing why he prefers Tumblr to Twitter just isn't the same rush.