Drawing the Prophet

Everyone Draw Mohammed Sometimes humans are pretty great. Other times, they kill people for drawing a guy who lived 1,400 years ago. Boy, are we nuts!

Soccer!

Looking forward to first futbol game of 2015. I have new boots and new fat.

Groups

In any group, there's always someone who knows all the words to House of Pain's "Jump Around".

Trying to be better, ALL the fucking time

I can't remember a time when I DIDN'T feel major changes were needed in my life. It's difficult to put this into words, but I feel like a giant, cranky baby. My whole life is trying to feed myself spoonfuls of spinach while telling myself it's an aeroplane.

IKEA

I'm in IKEA alone right now. So confused. Do I break up with myself?

Celebrities

Celebrities: stop complaining about "the price of fame". You're all free to do a Salinger. Almost no one does. So shut up.

Eric Garner

Staten Island is now officially in the Deep South. #EricGarner #NYPD #ICantBreathe

American emotions

The two key American emotions: 1) Optimism. 2) Paranoia. "Tomorrow will be better than today... unless the government takes it all away."

Sopranos

The Sopranos finale will always be a mystery. Why couldn't Meadow nail that parking space? She had so much fucking room.

"Busy"

There is no such thing as "busy". It's a word we invented because "thanks, but I'd prefer to do something else" is too painful to say. Or hear.

On the Artie Lange "controversy"

Screen Shot 2014-11-06 at 10.52.59 AM Artie Lange tweeted some jokes. People were "outraged". He lost a gig. Meanwhile, today I heard a song on the radio by The Rolling Stones called 'Brown Sugar'. It goes like this:

Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields Sold in a market down in New Orleans Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright Hear him whip the women just around midnight Brown sugar! How come you taste so good? Brown sugar! Just like a young girl should.

This is a fantasy about slavery and sexual abuse. I am APPALLED. It's DISGUST-oh wait, people who own media like this band? Oh, OK. That's fine. Carry on everybody.

Have you ever bored your own parents?

It’s a tough moment. My mother is now very quick to let me know I’m boring her. We’ll be on the phone, and I’ll be droning on, and she just says: “OK – I’m done”. And the conversation is over. Your parents are supposed to think everything you do is remarkable and captivating. Remember when the whole house stopped, just because you used a toilet correctly? But now, you tell ONE story that doesn’t have a point, and your parents are mentally checked out.

Children go through the same thing in as teenagers: they realize their parents are boring. Before hormones kick in? Your parents are gods. They have money and cars and are tall. Then you hit 13, and realize the opposite. Oh, my parents are just two examples of millions of middle-aged people, who mainly like things from 20 years ago and fall asleep in chairs. It’s an important phase: if you didn’t start to think your parents were boring, you’d never want to leave home.

Maybe boring your parents is the true last step in becoming an adult. When you’re a child, you can NEVER be boring to parents. Because you’re always just one bad decision away from accidentally killing yourself. Parenthood is basically a very cute suicide watch. Mothers and fathers have to be hyper-vigilant to keep their kid alive. When you bore your parents, it’s a true sign that the vigilance is over. They succeeded. They made a thing that can live on its own without dying. But, frankly, that’s not that interesting. When you’ve pulled Lego out of a choking child’s esophagus, hearing why he prefers Tumblr to Twitter just isn't the same rush.

Food

Made a Southwestern corn pudding. There's no picture here because I'm ashamed of it.