So Mulaney is cancelled. I marvel at Hollywood. It can take any prime organic talent, and grind it into a flavorless shit patty.
Tape
I taped a stand-up set and couldn't be happier with how fat I turned out.
Baltimore rappers
Hung out with Baltimore rappers all night. They are PRO turning it up and decidedly AGAINST fake ass bitches.
Stock the fridge
Sadness is like a bad restaurant that's always open.
I have to continually tell myself: "stock up the happy fridge". "Put things in it that you value... like exercise, friendship, a full calendar of shows" etc. Otherwise, I lose myself. And then smash-cut to me, at that shitty diner, eating that same shitty sadness sandwich at 2am.
Rumble Strip Part II: Marnie Stern and Marnie the Dog
It's time for another RUMBLE STRIP, the comedy and storytelling show where musicians and stand-ups share their weirdest tales from life on the road.
Last time we had the Wu-Tang Clan's Masta Killa and Andrew WK. Tonight, we go DOUBLE MARNIE:
Guests are guitar god MARNIE STERN (Kill Rock Stars) and world-famous Instagram dog MARNIE (300,000 followers and counting).
Our comedians are Paul Hooper, Adam Newman and other special guests. It's FREE and it's AWESOME. Come on down.
We never phone on our phones
We call them phones but I haven't made a call on this thing in 2 years. Let's call them what they are: binkies.
It's Hugh Jackman's birthday!
https://twitter.com/ComedyCentral/status/521380066886832128
Strategy
"I'm playing the long game." (- long jumper)
Dumb
"Tough cloud." (- Stand-up comic in heaven)
The Palins
How awful are the Palins? It says a lot when the best behaved member of your family is a six year old with Down Syndrome.
Comedy Central tweet action
https://twitter.com/ComedyCentral/status/519660980796551170 I be am good at writey jokes.
On teaching
I love how this vital job - teaching - is everyone's fall-back career. "Yeah, if the dreams don't pan out, I can always mold young minds into permanent shape."
Viviana Cortez
Tonight, I perform for Viviana Cortez, a Spicy Cuban Holistic Wellness Counselor from Miami, who conducts improvised therapy sessions live onstage. She's good friends with Ali Levin. If you're in the East Village this evening, come by. I guarantee it will get weird. (Details: http://goo.gl/MNN0gf)
Great texts to get: Part 3,156
Sometimes I worry comedy was the wrong path. Then someone texts, "we need you for this ISIS fashion show sketch", and it feels 100% right.
Jury duty
Jury duty selection today. Finally get to wear that "I Only Convict Asians" t-shirt.
Double 'g' words
In American English, the two worst words to call a person both have a double "g" in the middle. You know the ones.
Rejection
Being rejected TODAY is a vaccine, against more painful rejections TOMORROW.
I want a butt-chin
Passion
If "not feeling it" was an emotion, I'd be the considered the most passionate man on earth.
Gestations
This installation is hilarious and it's on 5th Street and Avenue A in New York's East Village. It's part of a guerrilla marketing campaign for an app called Bartrendr. I don't care that I'm being marketed to. It's funny.