Skinny fat

I’m skinny fat. I have a skinny person inside me, but he drank and ate garbage until he wasn’t. I am soft all over. Never been hard. The only hard things I have are a penis and some arteries. You know those hard guys? You always grow up with some of them. They are just hard all over. Every little muscle is popping out and demanding attention at the same time. Tight. I ran into one of the hard boys from my high school a few years ago. He’s now a very soft man. I want to say I didn’t enjoy it, but I did. I felt the 13-year-old boy inside me talking trash in an imaginary locker room. “Not so hard now, are you. It sucks not looking perfect doesn’t it? No, you’re gay. Shut up.” etc.

It is genetic? I don’t know. Both my parents are fat. But both of their parents were skinny. I’m suspicious of the genetic get-out. It feels like I’m just looking for a way to make my fat not a moral failing. I feel angry at myself for looking like this, and I know most of the things that would make me NOT look like this. I’m just too lazy to do them. But I can’t make peace with it. I make pasta. Then the cycle starts again.

Fat is a moral issue. It must be. It’s about responsibility. On a deep level, I’m fat because I don’t want to take responsibility for my life. When I think about quitting drinking, or committing to eating healthy, I hand the power to validate my choices over to other people. Quit drinking? But my cousin will tease me over Christmas. Stop eating junk food? But that means I can’t connect with my best friend, who eats no vegetables and seems eager to beat his father’s early death record of 59. Because that’ll show him.

I tried to eat healthy last week. But I went on two light benders anyway. A full bender is planned. A light bender just… happens. In a moment, you’re drunk. Like a sudden zen enlightenment, the word just comes to you: “shots.” The kind of night where you make no plans to drink heavily, but wake up in your clothes spooning a pizza crust.

This post made me hungry. I wonder if the donut shop is still serving bagels. It’s OK if they’re not. Wait, does cream cheese taste good on a donut? Let’s find out.