New jokes that'll be old soon (part 17)

Target just fired a security guard for calling the cops on a shoplifter. They fired him for doing his job. Which explains why no one at Target is ever doing their job. The F-35 fighter jet is grounded because its engine has "excessive rubbing". The military say they aren't worried, because the jet has been in development for 13 years, and excessive rubbing is very normal at that age.

The Aryan baby on the cover of a Nazi family magazine... was actually Jewish. That must've been tough for a proud Jewish mother: OK, it's Nazi propaganda, but... of all the babies, they picked mine!

My first joke for @ComedyCentral

https://twitter.com/ComedyCentral/status/482612332875366400 It got 22 retweets in 60 seconds. About double anything I've written for @mrtomcowell ever got, in an instant. A good lesson in the power of scale as is relates (or doesn't relate) to talent.

New jokes that will be old soon

Paul Simon and his wife were arrested after a domestic dispute yesterday. It took him a while, but Paul finally found that tricky 51^st way to leave your lover. Question for Clippers owner Donald Sterling: if you hate black people so much, why buy a basketball team? Why not hockey? Or musical improv?

George Clooney just got engaged to a British lawyer. And we're all wondering: what first attracted her to A-list movie star and multimillionaire George Clooney?

Movie star George Clooney is engaged to a British lawyer not in showbusiness. She’s also defending George against charges that his whole life is pretty much ripping-off “Notting Hill”.

New jokes (that'll be old soon)

The pope is asking catholic priests to only drive "humble" cars, not flashy new ones. To put his case, he quoted the Bible's least known book, "The Gospel According to a 2003 Toyota Camry." Eliot Spitzer is back. Most men caught with a hooker get a felony. Spitzer got two talk shows and will walk into a job paying $185k. So here's my question: who's got two thumbs and wants to be caught with a hooker?

Eloit Spitzer is the Rosa Parks of men who pay for sex. He's breaking that mirrored ceiling for all of us.

Spitzer is running as New York's fiscal watchdog. His campaign slogan? "You're money's on the table."

With Spitzer and Weiner back, it's perfect timing for Christine Quinn's new campaign slogan - "Quinn: No dick moves."

New jokes (that'll be old soon)

A judge in California ruled that schools can teach yoga. He said yoga isn't always a religious practice, and doesn't threaten the separation of church and state. Although like church, you should go once a week, but don't. A would-be bank robber in New York was arrested with a to-do list in his pocket, which included the words: "rob bank". In his defense, he said he rarely gets to everything on those lists.

A university in England has built a talking cigarette pack that tells you to quit. Users wish they could turn it off, because nothing kills the mood after sex like a robot voice saying "big mistake."

A maid in China faces jail after urinating in her boss' tea. The boss was furious, telling reporters "if I want the taste of pee in my mouth, I buy Mountain Dew."

New jokes (that'll be old soon)

Obama visited Nelson Mandela's former prison cell yesterday. "Most fun I've had in months," he said. An airport screener at JFK accidentally emailed a picture of his genitals to his co-workers. He won't be fired, because bosses feel bad  the tube was small enough to take in his carry-on.

A woman has found a cache of anti-tank missiles while cleaning an old shed in Virginia. She said she was clueless how they got there, but it explains why she's never had a tank problem.

Monsters University will be followed by "Monsters Grad School", where Mike and Sulley tell freshmen they're poets and give them chlamydia.

The E.U. is outraged America hacked into its network. But they should have picked a better password than "welovecheese".

The Gay Pride parade took place in New York yesterday, followed by the lesser known "Asexual Quiet Satisfaction of a Good Book Stroll".

New jokes (that'll be old soon)

Anthony Weiner is ahead in the polls to be New York's next Mayor. Rival Christine Quinn dismissed the news, saying "there's only one poll that matters: the stiff one you tweeted everyone." New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez is charged with one murder and is now a suspect in two more. He's now the biggest killer in the NFL, after Parkinson's.

Edward Snowden is spending a fifth day in the transit section of Moscow Airport, fleeing U.S. espionage charges. If the Americans catch him, Snowden fears they'll either water-board him, or worse, offer him more Sbarro's.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is going to be a grandfather. He doesn't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy and under 16 ounces.

Google is developing a video game console. It's going to be called Wii... know all your secrets so buy it or else.

A New York man was thrown out of a strip club this week for wearing his Google Glasses. "It's a real threat to privacy," said one stripper, as she mashed her buttocks into Bob from sales.

Simon Cowell is making a talent show in Afghanistan. He hopes to topple its current #1 show: "Law and Order: Can We Have Some."