How do you behave at rock shows?

"So tell me again: what do I do with my hands?" - that's me at every concert. I just got back from seeing Sleater-Kinney, the wife's favorite band. A few observations: - The women’s bathroom line at a Sleater-Kinney show? Hottest thing ever: 50 angular cool girls who all hate me.

- The band still rocks

- That is all.

Come to Game Night

Game Night Poster #1 I'm hosting a new-old show tomorrow. Kyle Ayers and Will Winner invited me to co-produce the super successful "Game Night" and I'm humbled that they recognized my giant talent. We have a hell of a line-up: Ben Kronberg, Alexis Guerreros, Joel Kim Booster and Amber Nelson. If you're reading this, I would love you to come. We're going to have a lot of fun. Here's the Facebook link.

Bye, Jon

The greatest compliment to Jon Stewart isn't the dismay of his fans, or the sadness of his employer. It's the huge relief of venal politicians, who - though they would never admit it - will be glad to see the back of him.

Jokes I wrote today

It’s #NationalBirdFeedingMonth: put out some breadcrumbs, grab those binoculars, and see if your hot neighbor is changing by the window. It’s #NationalBirdFeedingMonth. This is a real thing, and in no way a money-making scheme cooked up by “Big Breadcrumb”.

It’s #NationalBirdFeedingMonth. Feed all of your feathered friends! Except pigeons, who we all hate. Because everyone is bird-racist.

It’s #NationalBirdFeedingMonth. Brought to you by Old Widow Breadcrumbs: “because he’s not coming back, but birds will if you feed them”.

It’s #NationalCannedFoodMonth. How to celebrate: 1) Find that one can of weird food in the cupboard. 2) Think about eating it. 3) Put it back.

It’s #NationalGrapefruitMonth. Some people think the Pomelo is a grapefruit. They’re worse than Hitler.

It’s #GreatAmericanPieMonth. Here are some of the many ways to celebrate: 1) Eat a pie. 2) See step 1.

February 11th

It’s Thomas Edison’s birthday. Fun fact: he hated candles on his birthday cakes, and insisted they be wired to carry light-bulbs.

It’s #NationalMakeAFriendDay. Go out an make a new pal. But don’t tell them why you’re doing it. You’ll sound very weird.

February 12th

It’s Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. Celebrate the freedom he cherished by doing whatever you want today. Maybe not the theater, though.

It’s Charles Darwin’s birthday! Every year we celebrate in almost the same way, but with small changes to slowly make it better over time.

Good bomb story

I did a show at a bar for 8 people. I was hosting, so I'm getting ready to open the show and do ten minutes. The bartender comes over, and tells me a guy at the end of the bar has Tourette's. But not the typical kind. He has "Laughing Tourette's". Basically, he would laugh very loud at inopportune times. She says "so don't make fun of him, he can't help it". I say "thanks for telling me, I would never make fun of him". And in my head I thought, "that's the best kind of disease to have at a comedy show. This might go well". I go up. Eat total shit for ten minutes. Complete silence. INCLUDING THE FUCKER WITH TOURETTE'S. My comedy was so bad, I CURED A MAN OF LAUGHTER.

 

Terrible stand-up

Last night, I saw some stand-up comedy that was so awful, it became magical. In eight brief minutes, this performer managed to squeeze in the following: - open with bit about how each parent is of a different race - Christopher Walken impression - Obama impression - George W. Bush impression - close with bit about Hurricane Sandy (made landfall Oct. 2012).

I can now tell my grandchildren: I saw the Pelé of hack.

Post Office

You know how the staff treats you like shit at the Post Office? Everyone in government treats you that way. You just can't see them do it.

Why I’m not THAT worried about climate change

Climate-Change-3 I'm not a wing-nut, but I have a take on this issue that you don't hear much.

I believe the planet is getting warmer. And I believe human beings are partly responsible for it. More accurately, I believe the scientists who say those things. It’s just a belief: I don’t know anything. I have to take someone’s word for it. Forecasting the climate, and its effects, is something no layperson can do. There seem to be way more “it’s getting warmer” scientists than “no, it isn’t” scientists. So I'll go along with them.

Here’s where I disagree with a lot of New York liberals. Those brave souls, who summon up the daily courage to have the same opinions as everyone around them.

The planet is getting warmer. But… does it really matter that much? Is it consequential? There’s a lot of alarmism out there. Here: (http://www.carbonneutralearth.com/global_warming_statistics.php) is a typical example. Over a third of all plant and animal species could be extinct by 2050! We’ll lose a fifth of all forests! We’re killing the planet: this is ecocide!

That’s a horrific scenario. People say terrifying things like this all the time. But my approach is always this: ignore what people SAY, watch what they DO. It’s easy to talk about your fears for the planet. But reversing climate change would require very large political, economic and social shifts, some of them uncomfortable for a lot of people. What are most people who claim to care actually DOING about climate change? Sure, they go on a few protest marches. They post worried things to Facebook. A few of them even write to their elected officials. They certainly tell pollsters and people at dinner parties that they are “very concerned” about climate change.

It’s all very polite and safe. In many ways, that’s the default left-wing position: vocal disappointment in people who don’t agree with them, and a kind of passive despair for everyone and every thing. That position is so easy. And so lazy.

Are any climate change activists closing down power plants with sit-ins? No. Are they sabotaging dirty, CO2-spewing planes? No. In fact, I think only a handful of people who SAY they care about climate change would support stuff like that. Why? Because people would be seriously inconvenienced. Airports would clog. Electrical power to schools and hospitals would be threatened. And those would be, naturally, bad things.

But bad compared to what? Aren’t we talking about the imminent end of the planet here? Aren’t we talking about mass population shifts? And Miami sinking into the Pacific? And Bangladesh ceasing to exist etc. etc. (whatever the “doomsday scenario” of the week). Why aren't people sacrificing everything to stop this existential menace? Where are the true eco-warriors?

In 1963, some people were so committed to saving the nation of Vietnam, they set themselves on fire. For 30 years, the IRA bombed, shot and hunger-struck to change the political fate of Northern Ireland (a place roughly half the size of metro Seattle). I’m not endorsing those actions, but you have to admit: they put their money where their mouth was. They put some skin in the game. They gave up life and liberty for their cause, and a lot of people risked jail and humiliation to help them.

So here’s my gut feeling.

Not even climate change protestors believe in the doomsday scenario. They think it “could” happen. But they harbor large, unspoken doubts. They definitely think climate change is “bad”, in the same way they think a whole raft of abstract stuff is “bad”: like capitalism, heavy industry, multinational corporations, and all that stuff. But they don’t believe that the situation is so bad, that they have to actively sacrifice their current happiness to change it.

And THAT is how you measure how bad things are. Not on any set scale, but on how much you’re willing to give up in order to change it. Judging purely by their actions, (not words) most climate change protestors believe stuff is “bad, but y'know, not end-of-the-world bad”. When they start really messing stuff up, I'll be worried. Until then, I won't.

Safety first

bathsafety It’s National Bath Safety Month. I can’t say this too often: the #1 rule of bath safety? No guns.

Pride

I'm proud of few things. But proudest of never using "what's the happs?" in conversation.

'Selma' SNUBBED by Oscar

selma3 White person: "I'm so angry Selma didn't get nominated for Oscars!*"

[*Subtext: "I'm not racist but worry constantly that people think I am. So I need non-issues like this to rally around and demonstrate my progressive values."]

You CAN be too nice

"I've never heard him say a bad word about anybody".Well, OK. But who wants to hang out with a guy like that?